Who is Anne?
Anne Bland is an insightful and compassionate advisor dedicated to helping individuals who haven't fully received the support they need. With a keen understanding of the challenges people face, Anne empowers them to recognize their own struggles and the steps they’ve already taken to address them. She guides her clients to see when it's the right moment to seek further assistance, offering innovative solutions and encouraging them to take notice and make meaningful changes. Anne's unique approach ensures that people feel understood and equipped to tackle their problems more effectively.
Key Takeaways
00:00 Compartmentalization and Self-Care Importance
07:47 Inner Wellness and Happiness Connection
10:50 Balancing Personal Space in Relationships
14:35 Developing Stress Management Tool Library
15:49 Smiling as Stress Relief
21:55 Mindfulness Techniques for Anxiety
24:45 Creating Meaningful, Purpose-Filled Lives
27:30 Access Free Resources Online
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Transcript
Note, this was transcribed using a transcription software and may not reflect the exact words used in the podcast)
SUMMARY KEYWORDS
selfishly happy, business people, work-life balance, compartmentalization, burnout, leader, self care, happiness, stress management, communication, personal development, mental health, professional growth, emotional well-being, self-awareness, mindfulness, nervous system, energy, relaxation techniques, positive psychology, neuroscience, self-mastery, transformation, leadership, organizational culture, parasympathetic nervous system, breathwork, inner smile, meaningful life, stress response, relationship management
SPEAKERS
Anne Bland, Stuart Webb
Anne Bland [00:00:31]:
Hi, and welcome back to It's Not Rocket Science 5 questions over coffee. I'm delighted this afternoon to be joined by Anne Bland. Anne is a coach and mentor with a range of experience, but mostly, she's gonna be talking this afternoon about how selfishly happy you, which I think is gonna be a really fast paced topic. It's how do business people become selfishly happy. So, Anne, welcome to It's Not Rocket Times, 5 questions over coffee. Looking forward to talking with you enormously today.
Stuart Webb [00:01:02]:
Thank you so much, Stuart, for having me. I'm really looking forward to this conversation.
Anne Bland [00:01:07]:
So can we just start by sort of, helping to define or, people to understand the sort of person that you're looking to help?
Stuart Webb [00:01:18]:
Right. My clients often are professionals who are leaders in their fields, either as entrepreneurs or working in an organization who kind of balance try to balance the work and life and not quite succeeding in that. So maybe there is a there is a there is, you know, one of them is well, managed, but the other one is not. So it's like kind of that compartmentalization that we all kind of, resort to as, as a go to method when we try to struggle too many things. It's easier to put things in a box, if you see what I mean. Mhmm. And not realize that they're interlinked.
Anne Bland [00:01:58]:
I did. And they are interlinked as well, aren't they? There's no doubt about it. Even though we want to all pretend that somehow we are, superheroes, we are human beings at the end of the day.
Stuart Webb [00:02:09]:
Yeah. And we are really not super, beings, I think. What's the the question? We're we're we're supposed to be human beings, not human doings and definitely not super doers. So I I definitely have a lot in my CV as you said. And I think that's the, that's the culprit why I've burned out myself few times in my life. And it's not really something that I take pride in, cause you, everybody's about to in, in modern stressful life to burn out or get exhausted once in their lifetime, but not three times. I mean, you know, you start thinking, what's gone wrong there? So I think I've learned my lesson and really got my teeth in over the last 5, 6 years to understand what makes us happy, joyful, pleasure filled human beings.
Anne Bland [00:03:03]:
So we'll come onto that, I think in a minute, Anne, because I think there's some really good stuff you've got to say. But let's start by talking about sort of things that people have done Mhmm. Who are perhaps not quite getting the help they need that you can provide. What is it that they've done themselves to try and resolve some of these issues? How would they recognize themselves and go, oh, wait. They're talking about me. Perhaps this is this is the time when they should really start to take notice.
Stuart Webb [00:03:34]:
I think it is that compartmentalization I said earlier, you know, where you want to kind of put things in particular boxes and, okay, I I leave that there. You know, my marriage is not very good or my work life, I'm struggling in in particular relationships. And I try to kind of just avoid that. The other thing is, because there is some other aspects in life that are bringing fulfilment and joy and, and a sense of achievement. The, the other thing I see is that people just tend to plough through stress. So there is this kind of magical thinking that if I just get into the Christmas or if I can just get into the, before the summer holiday starts, if I can get through this week and then it's the weekend and I can catch up and relax or I can, I, but, but it doesn't happen that way, unfortunately? And then the other thing is that I see a lot is that people don't think, especially in men, that self care is something that one ought to be, investing in. And if, if, if they ask their, family, they say, yeah, why don't you just look after yourself a little bit, demon? There is that kind of, opportunity to actually learn what makes each one of us more calm, happier, more pleasure filled, and peaceful, and also joyful to be around with. And I think it's that kind of understanding that self care is not just for women or self care is something that actually needs to be one of those pillars that we invest in and get tremendous return on investment.
Stuart Webb [00:05:15]:
I'd say, regardless who you are, regardless of your status, regardless of your, agenda.
Anne Bland [00:05:23]:
So let's talk about some of those things that you you do to help people understand that self care, that, that ability to, as you put it in your your bar lines, to be selfishly happy. And it's got a bad reputation, hasn't it? But actually, you know, a bit like when you're here when you're on a flight, it tells you to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before helping anybody else because how can you possibly help somebody else if you've fallen unconscious or, and you are unable to sort of do anything. So let's talk a little bit about what does it mean to be selfishly happy. Let's talk a little bit about that. And then perhaps you could sort of I know you've got some some some things, some valuable advice, some valuable free things that you'd like to sort of bring to the audience. So perhaps you could describe those, and and talk a little bit about that.
Stuart Webb [00:06:13]:
Yes. So putting that oxygen mask on yourself first before helping others is, is is something that I talk a lot about because I feel that, again, it's embedded in my own experience. I'm very passionate person. I want to change the world. I want peace and happiness all around. And then I realized that, you know, when you work in that kind of social impact or environmental impact, scene, you tend to burn out very quickly because you can't control the external externalities. And the only thing I can change is how I react, how I feel and how, what kind of energy I bring into any table, any situation, any relationship, any work. And, and I think that's the, that's the key is really kind of going in.
Stuart Webb [00:07:03]:
And that's why I call it selfishly happy because it is putting that oxygen mask on yourself first. And also if you become selfless, like we're all told, especially women that, oh, you just need to serve others. You need to be helpful. And, you know, you know, don't put yourself, you know, it's, it's bad. It's egoistic. And I'm not talking about ecocentricity. I'm talking about, becoming more of you becoming self full in a way because selfless can, can become quite toxic eventually. You know, it can become a person can become bitter or, or, or, or a doormat or people pleaser or, or, you know, that there is, there is a balance to be had.
Stuart Webb [00:07:47]:
And I believe if we are in good health, if we are in good energy, we are happy, we have so much more to give out to others and to the world at large. So there is this kind of understanding that it starts from within and more we can regulate our own nervous system, just talking about sort of neuroscience spiel it's, speak it's, it's, it's more important to actually regulate your own nervous system so that you don't come across as aggressive or, or you don't come across as, as somebody who is just, there for themselves or, or, you know, just avoiding situations that actually benefit from having frank discussions, for instance. So it is, it is that kind of play with words if you like. And I do know that lots of people are, well, you can't say selfish. And I said, well, let's just, you know, really understand what's behind it as opposed to, you know, getting to the, preconceived idea. So it is kind of deliberate to stop people to think and kind of what do I actually mean by that? What is it to become happy truly? It is to know what you need. It is know how to get what you need, and it is understanding what your fears and anxieties are and taking care of those.
Anne Bland [00:09:08]:
So we've got a question from Mark. And perhaps this leads into some of what you're gonna talk about in terms of the valuable free advice you've got for our audience. But but Mark asked, in your opinion, what does self care look like for a man? And I suspect it probably isn't just going to the the nail spa and getting your nails done. Although, you know, let's face it. It could be that. But I mean, what is it that you would say men, in particular, should be looking for in terms of what they need to do to care for themselves to make them, efficient and effective human beings?
Stuart Webb [00:09:45]:
Thank you, Mark. That's a that's a very good question, and I really appreciate, you, raising your hand and asking that question. It looks very different to different people, of course, regardless what gender you are, but there is a lot of energy that men have that, that I think for instance, exercise is something that often men don't do because it is something that, you know, that there is there, there are responsibilities at home, there's responsibilities at work. So it is very easy to stop that. And maybe then just sit down when you're exhausted and open the telly, open a can of beer And, and nothing, no judgment there, but it is, it, it could be something that, what is it that, and I think whoever you are is to really ask that question to do that pausing and kind of do the list. What is it that really makes me feel good? You know, it's for somebody it is, you know, have a good, male friend who loves art. You know, he just goes to the art classes on every Saturday morning. You know, he just goes off and does art.
Stuart Webb [00:10:50]:
You know, whether it's, painting flowers or painting nudes, I don't know, but it is, you know, amazing that you can just kind of realise that, okay, what makes me happy? What is the time when I can, you know, play chess with somebody on the other side of the world or, or do a game of some sort? You know, it is, it is that, but also it is the need to, to spend time on your own. And I think one of the biggest things I've noticed with relationships is that often, especially if one of the, one of them in the relationship is, is a home maker. They often feel very, isolated or they, they just yearn for having an adult conversation. And the other one comes from work and just yearns for solitude and yearns for having, oh, I just, let me just get my coat off. And, you know, let me just, you know, have 5 minutes to actually state those boundaries and saying, look, can I just have my 10 minutes? And I'll just go to the bedroom, get changed, and I just lie down for a while. I just need to empty my head and land into the home life. And I think this is very important that people learn to communicate what they need so that they don't become begrudged and and oppressed and suppressed just because we tend to please people that we love.
Anne Bland [00:12:16]:
Just a small insight from my own life, which I think sort of illustrates the difficulties with this week. Then in my household, there were 2 busy very busy professionals both, you know, pushing hard at their career and a child. And it was a rule that the one that picked up the child from nursery or school got home, did childcare, and the other one would spend 10 minutes on the drive before they came in. Because the minute they walked through the door, responsibility passed to the other one because they haven't had their downtime. And so therefore, there was this sort of an it was, it's unwritten. We had discussed it, but it was the rule that you spend the 10 minutes in the car decompressing because the minute you walk through the door, I haven't had my 10 minutes to decompress. Yeah. And immediately, you've got you've got the responsibility for making sure that nobody's nobody's doing anything silly because I need to just go away for a few seconds.
Anne Bland [00:13:07]:
And it was quite difficult to balance because sometimes they'd look and go, I I may have had my 10 minutes in the car, but frankly I could do with another 10 minutes in the house. And it's like, I don't care. I'm sorry. I need the time. So we you've gotta learn to communicate these things and balance them, haven't you?
Stuart Webb [00:13:24]:
Yes. Absolutely. And congratulations for that awareness and that practice because that again is it's not just about yourself, but it is starting from yourself. What do you need? And asking for it, communicating it with a with a kind of nonviolent loving way and making the, making the, the, plan and whether it's outspoken, whether it's a practice, but it is, it is important to actually, have that understanding. And I would always, always, champion talking because we often think that, you know, oh, they understand, but often they don't. So it is good to actually spell it out and, and talk about it. I've got so many ideas that I could share here, but I want
Anne Bland [00:14:08]:
to, I want to keep it to, to your time limit. So over to you.
Anne Bland [00:14:12]:
Oh, we have no, we have no time limit. If you wish to talk for the next hour, we will let you out.
Anne Bland [00:14:18]:
You don't know what you're leashing here unleashing here.
Anne Bland [00:14:22]:
Oh, maybe it can. Maybe 45 minutes. So but there is there there's obviously some stuff on your website which which we could go and have a look at. Can can you describe some of the stuff that we'll find there and and and some and how we might access, you know, what what we what we'll access it?
Stuart Webb [00:14:35]:
Well, my my website is not actually very much geared towards, things yet. It's, it's something I it's under development, but, I really want to create a library of tools that people can start practising because I strongly believe that there is, there is this culture at workplaces where people are demanded to push through that stress. Then the organisations are wondering, well, why the hell do we have such a staff turnover? And we all know how much staff turnover costs for organisations. Well actually not everybody understands the wider impact. You know, you might kind of look at the recruitment costs and, and, you know, teaching somebody to, to land in their new job, but actually it's not just that it's somebody else working 3 to 4 jobs at the same time whilst they are recruiting a new person or somebody is learning. So, so it is also impacts on their health and so on and so on. So it's just lots of ripple effects. So do you have a kind of, library anywhere where we can actually drop in, for instance, I was just teaching today, in another call, in another group, and an old Taoist practice called the inner smile.
Stuart Webb [00:15:49]:
And this is something I definitely want to put on the website is how a busy person, even during the work day can just take 2 minutes or even just 2 seconds and just practice in a smile. It's one of the most effective ways of getting your nervous system, which is often at work days during work days in, in this kind of, reactionary, you know, stress response of, of fight flight, which is important. Otherwise we don't get anything done. But we are also designed to be more a human being in that rest digest parasympathetic nervous system response where we can sleep without needing to take sleeping pills or your, your normal whisky or whatever. So it is, it is important to, not, not knowing whether you have whisky. So I'm not saying, well, I'm, I'm, you know what I mean? It's very easy to think that in the morning we need coffee in the evening, we need an alcohol, you know, drink to, to, to calm us down. So it is, it is kind of things like breath work. It is meditation.
Stuart Webb [00:16:51]:
It is about, doing, embodiment practices, just like, you know, sport is, you know, exercises or just, you know, shaking and dancing a little bit, to let that tension go and stretching, you know, just very simple things like this and just learning how to breathe so that you can access that parasympathetic nervous system. So it is interesting how people think of, well, of course I can breathe. Of course I can smile, but how many actually do it? You know, we could when we are in that stress response, even our breathing becomes like kind of, we hold breath a lot. And we just but when you actually get into that parasympathetic nervous system response, what I observe is that people start, oh, there is that sigh and there is, oh, isn't it delicious just to be and just just relax. And you could just do this like a microsecond, and it will be money in the bank, in your energy bank and well-being and and happiness bank. So things like that. It's quite simple things I'd like to offer to people.
Anne Bland [00:18:04]:
Indeed. And and I know the power of breathing, myself because I've been doing I've been learning better breathing techniques myself, for for other reasons other than standing here doing this. And one of the things that we've been trying to learn how to do is the fact that when you breathe in rather than sort of doing this with your shoulders, which is, you know, how we're able to breathe bring immediately bring the whole music tension is to just breathe deeply from down into the diaphragm down low. And then you don't hold it. You just suspend. You just relax and allow the air to be there rather than thinking about it. And it's quite difficult to sort of turn your mindset to this ability to think, well, I'm just gonna allow the breath to be in me. But it's actually really powerful because it stops you trying to sort of do.
Anne Bland [00:18:53]:
You learn how to sort of just enjoy the experience of saying, okay. I'm now standing. I'm completely relaxed. I'm not actually holding my my my my tension anymore. Nothing's happened. The air hasn't just suddenly disappeared. It's it's still there, and then you can breathe out later. And it is a mindset thing, isn't it? Learning how to control your feelings, learning how to control of that.
Anne Bland [00:19:15]:
And and it brings a sense of calm as you do it because otherwise, you're sort of fighting your body.
Stuart Webb [00:19:21]:
Yeah. And have you ever heard, you know, this expression that any any place, any organization is a reflection of the leader?
Anne Bland [00:19:28]:
Absolutely. And I'm watching it with an organization now and just Yeah. Aware of just we can talk a little bit about this. There is toxicity, and the suggestion from the management was shut down the office. We'll never we'll never change this culture. And I went, I think the culture starts here. Oh, really? And you can change the culture at the bottom if we just change 1 or 2 things around the management. And yet, there was this sort of, oh, no.
Anne Bland [00:19:53]:
We just sack everybody. It will solve the problem, which was a very disappointing thing to hear.
Stuart Webb [00:19:59]:
Yeah. I don't think transformation organizational transformation works quite like that. But just as a as a simple example, just taking your breathing, ex example. And you were saying that how it's so easy to kind of be like this, you know, and just hunch, you know, just, you know, your shoulders are 10 tense and all that. But the studies show that a person, in terms of body language, you know, just the idea that who do you trust is somebody who has a long, distance from ear to their shoulder. So when people were shown pictures,
Anne Bland [00:20:38]:
I was thinking, oh, I've got, shoulder pad you know, pads in this jacket. So, oh, dear. Should have chosen a different jacket or or blouse.
Stuart Webb [00:20:47]:
But but but it is it is that kind of when when somebody's like this, you kind of, you know, people were shown pictures. And when they were looking at people who were like this, you know, it's kind of, oh, I don't trust that person. So if there is that kind of energy that somebody is going to launch at you, you know, from the management, you know, like you said, you know, there is that toxicity. It's not going to change by changing the, the people who are below them. It is about, okay, how can we relax this, this, this boss or this, this C suit, in this organisation so that they can learn like you just demonstrated how you're breathing differently and how you can just, you know, and it's it's simple as that because we are animals in so many ways. We have that primitive, you know, ancient brain. And when we see somebody who actually holds themselves with esteem and has that posture of calmness, and I'm you know, we feel that, okay, they are in control. You know, it's not like, you know, you need to kind of because they are reflecting this fight flight, you know, all the time.
Stuart Webb [00:21:55]:
It's quite fascinating how this all kind of links together. And there are so many tools we can use in organizations where we kind of, okay, just mini, micro, micro pausing, just become aware, and then use habits like breathing, like in a smile, like just being present with your with your physical body through your 5 senses. What can you hear? What can you see? What can you feel? Just doing this, you know, for for, 10 seconds. Just trying to feel the ridges of your fingers with your, if if this people can't see the picture, you know, the video. It's it's just putting 2 fingers like your thumb and your, first finger together. And for 10 seconds, which is about 3 breaths to to just move your fingers and just really focus on on feeling the ridges of your skin in on on on those fingertips. And even that simple 10 second, 3 breath exercise will put you into your body, out of your thinking mind where the anxiety often lives, you know, and just fall into your body and kind of, you know, it doesn't have to be. Even if you're in a meeting in a boardroom and you can just do that when you start feeling anxious.
Stuart Webb [00:23:14]:
You know, it will help you to calm down and get into that, parasympathetic nervous system. And there's so many other things.
Anne Bland [00:23:22]:
And was there a particular book, of course? I mean, you have a a a a very, very wide career, but, obviously, this is this is this is this is something that's that's that's come to you. Is there a particular book, of course, that you, read or took that actually started this journey for you?
Stuart Webb [00:23:39]:
Well, I think 10 years ago when I burned out last time and I I decided to to resign and and divorce and all sorts of things happened, and started, learning everything. You know, it was I was like a sponge. I I realized that I didn't have joy and pleasure in my life. I just been on that kind of autopilot. Oh, you know, just one more day, one more week, one more month, and I'll make it through or, or whatever it is that we tell these quite toxic stories to ourselves. Which is fine because we're just trying to cope. You know, it's okay. I'm not judging here.
Stuart Webb [00:24:18]:
It's just that we the society hasn't taught us how to look after ourselves. So I can't pinpoint. I'm really sorry. I can't, I know you asked this and I can't just choose 1. You know, I can't choose 1 because I've studied positive psychology and intelligence. I've studied breathwork. I've studied, how pleasure works for our favor. I've studied Taoism.
Stuart Webb [00:24:45]:
I've studied, so many things, neuroscience, you know, neuroplasticity, all these kinds of, how do we create positive habits so that we can look after each other ourselves and then, you know, each other, because like we said, the energy and the, the nervous system, emits to others is going to impact other people just like in that organizational structure, but also at home. So I've learned tantra as well. I've learned so many different things in terms of philosophies, practices, and, ways in which, you know, I feel that if we have the self awareness that, okay, this is what I need, how am I going to get it? So what are the tools and processes and practices? So having that self mastery. And then eventually, how do we express ourselves in the world, in our relationships in a more balanced, constructive way so that we can actually have that impactful, passionate mission, purpose filled life? Because that's what every human being in the end of the day is looking for is to have a meaningful life.
Anne Bland [00:25:56]:
So that leads me, I guess, to the last question I have for you this afternoon. I'll let you get along with something. I know you're not you need to get on and do and that Yeah. Is there a question I haven't asked you? Is there something that you're thinking, well, he's missed the point. He's just completely misunderstood what we're trying to do here. Is there a question that I should have asked, which you would like me to have asked? I don't know. And you have to answer it.
Stuart Webb [00:26:22]:
Well, I don't know. I mean, in terms of the Not really. I think we've discovered quite a lot of things, and, and it's it's as long as piece of string, isn't it? It's like kind of we can talk about this much. And when you said, oh, you have an open mic, I said, you don't want that because I will talk. You know, I will talk for England. I will talk for the world. So, now I think I would I would perhaps invite people to ask questions if there is anybody in the audience that, I don't know if Mark has already let
Anne Bland [00:26:58]:
Well, we well, I'd say we have Mark who asked. And the only question he's he has made it, the third comment is, it's hard to be there for someone if you're going through stress and you're struggling to deal with it. So my my sympathies, if, if that's your situation. I know how difficult it can be. And, Mark has just given us a compliment. So that's very kind of you, Mark. Thank you very much for for enjoying it. And I hope I I don't think I've done very much to contribute other than ask Anne the right questions, but Anne, you've got a huge amount of knowledge, a huge amount of value that you've added this afternoon.
Anne Bland [00:27:30]:
I really appreciate how much effort you've put into this, and I thank you very much for coming on and speaking to us. I just one thing. If, Anne is in the process of, of of of of building things, so, you will continue to be able to see, a lot of the free stuff that we have at, for this website where people give away free advice. But if you go to go.systmise.comforward/freehyphen stuff, you'll find a list of all the free things that, people have given away. And if you would like to get an email every week, who just will tell you exactly is coming up so that you can join as Mark did today and spend some time asking questions of people I can. Go to go.systmise.comforward/subscribe. It's a simple form. First name, email address, all we want, just so that you get an email, which basically says, who's coming up this week? And you've got the opportunity to join in the live and ask questions as Anne has been here answering your questions.
Stuart Webb [00:28:33]:
Anne, thank you so much for spending 20 minutes with us and talking about this. Really appreciate some of the advice. We'll all be touching our fingers in meetings in future, try to learn how to be more relaxed as we are presenting and and talking to the boss. So thank you for those tips, and I really appreciate the time you spent with us.
Anne Bland
Thank you so much for having me. I really enjoyed this discussion.
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